


Of Life And New Beginnings

by malecsmagicalarrows



Series: The Advantage in Truly Living [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Coda, Episode: s01e12 Malec, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 10:25:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16659421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malecsmagicalarrows/pseuds/malecsmagicalarrows
Summary: Alec Lightwood grips life by the lapels, his lips brushing with opportunity and his tongue caressing new beginnings.





	Of Life And New Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 5 am on my phone because insomnia

Alexander Gideon Lightwood gripped life by the lapels, fingers tight and stiff, knuckles bleeding sheet white.

The day of his wedding, he had long assumed his life was over. He was prepared for it. He had been grieving its loss for years, now. 

Almost 15 years ago, Alec figured out what it meant to want to kiss someone. It was a childish desire seeded from the observation of adults around him, the longing to be more like his parents stirring within. The only problem was that his someone was a boy, and boys aren't meant to kiss boys, because boys are supposed to kiss girls. Boys and girls were made by the Angel for each other, he knew. The Clave and the Institute and his parents made sure he knew that, even if they weren't entirely direct about telling him so.

That realization broke him, just a little bit, so he shut down and he repressed and he grieved.

First rule of being a Shadowhunter: emotions are nothing but a distraction. The first rule of life and living? Emotions are all that you really have. Being born the way he was, you have to choose one or the other; Alec chose being a Shadowhunter.

Alexander Gideon Lightwood stepped off the altar and stared discrimination in the face and he said  _ enough. _

Downworlders and Shadowhunters do not mix, he knew that- except now he wasn't so sure, because him and Magnus  _ fit. _

He knew that when he first met him, heart fluttering wildly in his ribcage as he tried-  _ failed-  _ to suppress the side of him that wanted nothing more than to stare at this man and smile. He knew that when he let the demon escape (yet another failure, on his part). He knew that when Magnus told him there was nothing to be afraid of (but there always was, with his  _ inclinations _ ). He knew that when he came back for Magnus (and he held his hand, and it was the most incredible thing-).

Except his family was all he had, really, and how could he even think about Magnus if it meant giving that up? So he traveled the path the Clave carved for him, and he did so obediently, blindly chasing their discriminations like a child clutching desperately to their mother for comfort.

Alexander Gideon Lightwood, brushing lips with opportunity, made a decision.

Deep down, he knew that he'd lost everything he believed he had the moment he learned his parents were in the Circle.

His parents were traitors, his siblings were rebelling against the only institution they'd ever known, and his emotions were desperately crawling from deep within him and rearing its ugly head.

He proposed to Lydia out of self preservation, if he's being completely honest with himself. Sure, it would restore the Lightwood name, but he was so disillusioned with that concept it felt more of an excuse than a real reason. 

Losing control of the Institute, amongst everything else, was losing the last vestiges of control he had over himself and he needed it back the way you need air to breathe. He didn't know what he would do without that control, and he sure as hell wasn't going to lose it even if it would be the death of him.

(It very nearly was).

So he'd proposed.

Because Lydia offered opportunity and opportunity was everything now that he'd lost his family- and he was sure he had lost them because Jace sided with Clary and Isabelle was barely speaking to him and his father was like a stranger to him and his mother was never proud of her children--

Alexander Gideon Lightwood threw caution to the wind the moment his tongue caressed joyous beginnings.

He was still shaky and unsure when Magnus walked in. He couldn't breathe and he knew this wasn't right, but what could he do about it?

Even when Lydia told him to leave- and she said it was okay even though he knew it wasn't- he wasn't sure. What would this give him, really? He didn't have his family anymore, he was sure of that. He didn't have the Clave, though that had only ever brought a cold comfort he never really enjoyed, but he didn't exactly know any better either.

He might have Magnus, but for how long?

He stepped forward. He inhaled, stuttering on his own breath silently. He kept walking, and he saw his mother distantly, and he was just so over it. Enough, he said, and he gripped Magnus tight. He stared him down, taking in his eyes and his facial expression and his posture. He was uncomfortable, but damn was he determined. And, damn, was he hot.

So he leaned in and he kissed him. And he kissed him. And he kissed him.

And that was when he was sure about it all. 

When he pulled back, he was disoriented and he didn't really know what he'd  _ done  _ exactly, so he asked him. It was when his sister came bounding over, smile bright and proud, that he knew.  _ My life has a new beginning,  _ he thought, and he smiled as everything he had before came back to him, following in the footsteps of all he had now.


End file.
